wellll dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sometimes I just have to shake my head in amazement at the stupidity of some people. A few years ago upper management called the Manager of the Parks and Recreation unit at home, told him to come into H.R for a meeting and then bluntly fired him due to major cutbacks. Tonight at work, I was talking with two supervisors and they informed me that another manager is now slated to be hired. Applications are now being accepted for this position. After destroying this man’s livelihood as well as his spirit, they decide his position was needed after all???????????

A good day all the way around

What a laugh I had this afternoon. It was so mild out that I noticed that the huge pile of snow out back had finally decided to shrink thanks to the warm sun. So with Bentley and Abby in toe I pulled on a pair of old farmer winter boots a few sizes too big, a thick sweater, my mittens and my plum/purple vest and out to the back we trotted. Now Abby has become an old lady that just likes to lay while Bentley is filled with more energy than 4 children hyped up on sugar. While Abby sunned herself Bentley ran in wild circles wearing off some energy. I grabbed the shovel and began to clear the softened pile of snow away from the foundation of the house. My neighbor saw me and asked if I minded another pair of hands. Normally I would have said it was ok and told her not to worry about it, but she looked like she needed a bit of an escape so I told her sure. Her daughter has split from her hubby so poor Carol now has her daughter plus 2 young children in her house. She gratefully took me up on the offer and came around, grabbed a shovel and started to help me. Bentley had learned the knack of jumping up into the 3’ box garden at the back of the yard. This way he can see over the fence to the neighboring yards. Well the snow Carol and I had been removing from the foundation of the house had grown into a pile near the box garden. Bentley watched curiously as the pile grew in size. I’m not sure what he was thinking, but in a burst of speed he dove into the pile. I almost pee’d my pants laughing when he sunk way down. His poor legs were submerged deep into the snow until his belly was lying flat. He tried to escape but to no avail. Both Carol and were pretty much in hysterics as the poor thing just looked at us as though to say “what happened?” I went over and had to dig him out between me laughing hard and his whining I finally got him free. He scrambled off towards the deck, turned and barked a few times and then laid down beside Abby to watch. We finally cleared the snow into another pile but this time well away from the house. Carol and I spent a bit more time just chatting while the dogs just laid there. With my cam chat in the morning and then some mild snow fun in the afternoon it turned out to be a great day!

She glances at the photo, and the pilot light of memory flickers in her eyes. ~Frank Deford

Today I took a trip. I was alone, but not really alone and it felt wonderful. I walked down many roads and made many stops. I ran into so many old friends and acquaintances and spent long moments of catching up. Today I took a trip back to my roots. I had hit the lowest point of my life that I can remember and after a long sleepless night I came to the conclusion that MY life matters. Not someone else’s life, but mine. Not any one else’s feelings but mine. The friend I called last night called me back first thing this morning to make sure that I was ok. After assuring them I was fine we started talking about life as children. I never knew this person as a child and in fact I have only known them a little less than a year, but their shoulder has been one of strength and comfort during the last little while. My friend had a brilliant idea to log onto the computer and turn on our web cams. We decided to share some of our childhood memories. There was to be no talk of present hurts or angers, this was going to be just fun times. We gave each other 30 minutes to gather anything that we wanted to share, make a coffee and meet back on the web cam. I had to call the hair dresser and cancel my appointment to get my hair done since one thing I do admit to is not being a very graceful crier, in fact this morning I looked more like Kermit the Frog than he himself did. Thank goodness she had a cancellation for tomorrow after work so I grabbed that slot gratefully. So with photos and photo albums in tow along with a huge mug of coffee we began a morning of reminiscing. It was rather hectic there for the first little bit since Bentley decided it was not normal to hear a voice coming from the computer so until I got him settled Bentley was the main attraction. Once things calmed down we started our trips down memory lane. I met my friends’ mom and dad, grandparents and siblings and friends. My friend met all of my family and friends and of course they met Bentley, Abby, Neko and Tiggs (short for Tiger lily). My friend and I talked about how things were as children and the rough times we had. We showed each other funny pictures of ourselves and talked abour our favo It was hard to believe that 3 hours had passed, but it was certainly the best time I have had in years. It is so good to let go of all the stress of life and just go back to your roots. I can’t believe how much I really missed all my family and friends. It kind of sheds a new light on present troubles. I wasn’t sure if I could have pulled myself up off my arse this time after falling so hard, but I proved to myself that I am strong and that I can do and handle anything life throws at me.

Definition of STRESS
1: constraining force or influence: as
a : a force exerted when one body or body part presses on, pulls on, pushes against, or tends to compress or twist another body or body part; especially : the intensity of this mutual force commonly expressed in pounds per square inch
b : the deformation caused in a body by such a force
c : a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation d : a state resulting from a stress; especially : one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium
Letter “c” applies to me.
Wow, I never knew my head could hold in so much stress that I can actually feel it pulsing. I sure needed a shoulder tonight and as I dialed the number I prayed they would pick up. Oh what a huge relief it was when I heard that now familiar voice saying hello. This person listened as I spewed out at least 10 minutes worth of verbal diarrhea. I really needed to let everything pour out without being judge or condemned for what I was saying. Tonight I wrote a blog and it was taken totally out of context with someone. This person got very upset and for that I apologize for. I do not apologize for anything I wrote as it was jumbles of hurt, disappointment and anger all rolled up into one massive ball of words. Another person had tried to explain that it was just words and that I was venting. I sure fucked up on this one, but oh well what’s new. I was about to burst into tears right then and there but I held it back and told the person I could not talk at this point because I was at work. This person left very hurt and upset, but again, I could not do anything because I was so unstable myself. When I was given a hug from a friend because she said I needed one a simple sentence that was said by another that was not meant to hurt me just made my heart sink. It made me feel even worse and I got all flustered not knowing what to say, whether to laugh or cry, but I did as I always do and pulled up my big girl panties. I asked my friend to be honest with me and tell me if I was wrong, they simply said “we all have a breaking point and whether it be right or wrong no one should judge.” At this moment, one of the lowest times I have felt in months I could not dispute that with my friend. This friend knows what I have been going through in my personal life as well as my work and refused to comment on whether I was right or wrong. They just listened and I really needed that. I still need to break down and have a good cry, but since I’m not done work for another 45 mins I’ll have to wait. No doubt when the house is quiet and there is nothing but darkness I will be able to let the tears fly. Thank goodness I have stocked up on tissues

Scritchin my head once again

As the recently famous one liner says…my give a damn is busted. Over the last little while I have felt back stabs from family and friends. Whether it is family/personal or work I have felt the sharpness of the blade slice into me a few times. A few slices have been received through so-called witty banter while other slices have driven straight through. Work for one has left me speechless on more than one occasion; with everyone trying to get their asses into the so called half vacant seat of our 40% retired Supervisor. I have to just shake my head at what lengths people will go to in order to feel they are important. It’s sad in a way how some try to hold the persona of “I know more than you do”, or say off handily that this is the way it should be done when in all actuality they haven’t got a clue as to what needs to be done. I guess it’s true that when ever there is a wee bit of authority needed the piranhas seem to just swarm around. It’s actually funny watching the confusion of everyone who thinks they should be the ones making decisions flounder around like a fish out of water. It is a fact that no one has really been trained in areas that need to be taken care of, but instead of some admitting they really don’t know what to do they take over thinking that they have saved the day. What a sad story this has turned into all because one person wants to retire. I wonder how fast the floundering fish will swim back down to their normal depths in 14 days when the “part time” retired supervisor returns to resume most of her centre duties.

The Case Of The Missing File

It doesn’t happen that often, but when it does happen, it always baffles my mind. Especially since I was the last one to actually handle it. Let me start at the beginning.

It was a cold snowy Wednesday night with many people lingering around. I was in the office trying to concentrate on a file that had been plaguing my mind for weeks now. I knew there was a solution, but damned if I couldn’t find it. Others had seemed to handle this particular problem and they walked away unscathed, but not me. Thankfully, a friend who had worked on similar cases before stopped by the office to say hi. I asked her to lend a hand in trying to untie the mess that seemed to be getting worse with each keystroke. Thankfully she told me she had a few minutes to spare, took off her coat, rolled up her sleeves and prepared to struggle with the knots and kinks that had begun to mock me relentlessly. It only took a short while before she tamed the aggressiveness and showed me just how to take control of any other aggressions that might rear their ugly head to any unsuspecting person that falls prey to its intense confusion. I felt a huge relief lift from my sagging and shaking shoulders as I slowly took control of the situation. I looked at my friend with what I can only classify as enormous gratitude. She smiled, slipped her coat back on and with a cheery wave slipped out the door into the cold snowy night. I took a deep breath, cleared my throat and under my breath I baited and taunted this now tamed enemy to try and get the better of me now. It must have felt the new found power I had begun to show and with a weakness that made me smile it began to bend to my every wish. Oh what a joyful feeling I had as I conquered and took control over it. I almost cried with joy as I closed the file after having successfully completed everything that had held me back for weeks. I stood up and patted myself on the back for not caving into the hideous bowels of feeling completely stupid. I firmly slapped my hand on the folder and whispered to it, “Until next time my fiendish friend” and placed the file back into its rightful place. Or did I?

I went on with my life feeling more powerful and sure of myself, that is until I called the office the following Saturday. To my horror the file had vanished. I listened with impending doom as I was told that the file was no where to be found. My heart sank. I covered my mouth to conceal my shaky voice. Oh my God, was I too sure of myself. Was this just a clever ploy to allow myself a few moments of victory? I felt my shoulders sag again. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Was this the beginning of my demise? I hung up the phone with heaviness and tried to concentrate on my day. My night was a restless one as I tried to retrace my steps of that night. I woke late knowing I had to go into the office.

I felt a strange calmness as I unlocked the office. Maybe it was just me, but I swore I heard a silent laughter as the heat clicked on and the air compressor for the elevator let out its hiss of release. I took off my coat, and inhaled deeply. I looked around, making sure I was alone and with a deep voice I called out “you will not beat me do you hear me? I will not let you win.” I sat down to get prepared for my tasks. I turned on the computer, reached for the receipt book, knowing I would be making out receipts to those that had to pay for their services rendered and accidently pulled out other things along with the receipt book. I cussed myself as I cleared the mess up and almost cried out. It was like an electric current raced through my entire body. There on the desk, papers’ spilling from the covers was the missing file. I looked at the desk file holder beside the phone and then looked across the room at the shelf file holder. I looked back at the file and gingerly picked it up. I took a deep breath as I firmly walked the file back to its rightful place. I’m still not sure how this file ended up on the desk file holder. Was I too overly confident where I could have placed this particular file in the wrong place, or could there have been another set of hands that placed the file there by mistake? I have a feeling I’ll never know what really happened, but I can now rest easy again knowing this case is officially closed!

Catching Up

Not too much has happened over the last little while. Things have been on an even keel, or as even as they can be for me. There has been a bit of tension, a bit of trouble and a bit of heartache but over all things have been good. Christmas came and went along with the beginning of a New Year. 2010 brought with it some learning experiences, some lesson in strength and dignity. I’ve had to face a few things that really hurt and still move forward. I’m hoping 2011 will be the year that opens a few doors and closes others. I have celebrated a few pity parties of my own and on my own. It’s nice to wallow in your pity with a friendly shoulder but I’ll be honest and say when I need one there is none to be found. The voices are there, but the actual caring or lack of it can be readily read in their actions. But that’s neither here nor their. I am a survivor as they say.

Well January is coming to a close and throughout the month I have been kept busy working during the evenings and weekends. The preschool programs are not going that well since times have become tough for everyone everywhere. We are only running one class on one day and that’s ok since I’m really thinking twice about this particular job. I did have a rather deep conversation with one Supervisor regarding the programs. She is on the same page as a few of us putting an end to an era of Preschool Programs. With cutbacks and lack of interest from the ones higher up it seems like this may be more of a reality as each month passes. I for one would not be to upset if this happened. I do really enjoy my supervising job. As my now semi retired Supervisor said “I have a good rapport with all the teams I deal with” and they do add a bit of spice and laughter to an otherwise dull and boring night or weekend. Remember the quote “Variety's the very spice of life that gives it all its flavour.”

Last night before going to work I stopped by my Supervisors Retirement Open House. I have to admit it was good seeing people from my earlier days. It was even good to see my old Supervisor. He certainly got dealt a shitty hand from his superiors, but with grace and dignity he stood amongst a group of us while saying a private good bye/good luck to one who worked by his side for many years before he was forced out. Because of the stress and all he went through, he has lost a major amount of weight. He did tell me he’s working on losing more but in a more healthier way. I wished him all the best because deep down even though he was a tough no nonsense supervisor; he is a really nice guy. My Supervisor worked fairly closely with a group of seniors who have their weekly meetings at the Center and there is one senior that makes me laugh. For years she was the grumpiest old lady you could ever meet and then a major illness brought her down. She ended up making a full recovery and thank heavens came back with a more friendly attitude. Now, whenever I supervise a rental where people are not familiar with me I always wear my name tag. For all who know me I have one of the easiest names to say. “Dawn” It is one syllable and only four letters long. I’m not sure why and even though I am wearing my name tag which is always visible, this senior insists on calling me Donna. Well she did this last night at the Open House and I was met with some questioning looks. All I could do was smile as she walked away and say to those looking at me “Don’t ask”. God bless you Pearl, you really are a gem!

Well this is my Saturday off and I am certainly looking forward to it. I’m not sure what I’ll do tomorrow. I just might stay in my pj’s and loaf around the house all day. I’m just not sure. I have to work all day Sunday so I guess I can spoil myself on my day off! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and remember…”There aren't enough days in the weekend.”